Simply Wild. Where to even begin? And how to put it all to words without writing an entire novel..?? When I first saw it I was SO on board. But....then I convinced myself it was WAY too expensive. It was way too expensive for someone who just had neck surgery and plastic surgery for her broken face. Why would I willingly sign up and pay so much money to torture myself!?!? So I ignored it. I let all the doubt and fear take over. But then it kept creeping back into my thoughts and I decided to just go for it! For me and for nobody else. I needed this.
From the moment I signed up I never looked back, all I felt was gratitude and excitement. I was so ready and so stoked! Right up until the very moment we pulled up to the VRBO. Then it hit me. And boy did it hit me hard. I wanted to run away and hide! What the crap was I thinking!? I did NOT feel like myself.
As the night went on I was literally physically shaking, I was so freaked out and so overwhelmed. I wanted to just let go and have fun! But I couldn't. I could sense the doubts and fears of the other women, including our 2 guides, as we packed up our bags in that garage. And that was very unsettling for me, but at least I knew I wasn't alone! I was starting to realize that time was limited and we were all clueless, hence a lot of stress and pressure. The weight of it all, especially that 50lb backpack, kept me up all night. I didn't sleep. And before I knew it I was sleep deprived in the middle of nowhere, facing a mountain along with 13 other women. Strangers.... And I don't tend to like women. I grew up as the only girl with 6 brothers and I don't understand women. I was terrified of all of them.
I still can't believe I did it. I climbed those big rocks and pushed through the mind-numbing physical pain. I did my best to also push past my social comfort zone, to ask questions, and tried to get to know these women on a different, deeper level than just casual small talk.
IT WAS SO HARD. And it was so beautiful. It was raw and extremely emotional. This experience wasn't full of rainbows and butterflies for me. It was honestly far from perfect. It was challenging and awkward and extremely uncomfortable. There are many things I would go back and change if I could. But.... I was open to growth and to healing and I am better because of it. And THAT is why I would do it all all over again. In many ways that retreat represented the last 2 years of hell since my traumatic car accident- all too well. However, it also reflected the beauty of my strength and fortitude. I am a beast. I am a fighter. I am a conqueror. And I reconnected with my soul in a miraculous way that hasn't happened for me in a very, very long time.
My only complaint is that it was seriously too short! I wish I had more one on one time with Sadie, Angelique and each of the other women. It was only 14 of us but for someone like me it truly felt like one hundred and fourteen. By the end though, I was so grateful for each of them. They proved me wrong. They opened up and shared their pain, their stories, their most vulnerable selves with me and with all of us. It was something truly indescribable, one of those things where you just had to be there.
"I will rise to my calling as a warrior. I am strong. I am courageous. I am free. I am simply wild."
This first photo describes perfectly the pure depth of my fear and anxiety that first night. But the second photo? The second photo is victory, MY victory. And I am forever grateful.